Almost Believable Pure Bullshit

"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!"

25 June 2023

In recent polls, Donald Trump appears way out ahead of all other Republican presidential candidates including even Florida governor Ron DeSantis. This may be about to change. Taking a page from Trump's playbook... DeSantis recently found significant financial and on-air media support from conspiracy theorist Mark Windell, CEO of Our Sheets LLC, a relatively new business located in Florida.

Political hands wash each other with a new bill before the legislature requiring all hospitality establishments in Florida to use sheets solely from in-state businesses. Our Sheets is expertly positioned as the only textile company incorporated in Florida.

Mark Windell and his evangelical Christian family are outspoken critics of President Joe Biden, Mickey Mouse, and the rest of "woke America." They are strong advocates for book bans, library de-funding, capital punishment, and witchcraft.

A 2022 Times investigation revealed that the company has been cited for discrimination and worker harassment. To date, not one of it's 800+ workers is of Black or Hispanic descent, though such types have occasionally been seen mowing the expansive lawns surrounding the facility. Landscapers reportedly work for a separate company which declined to comment for this article.

Company benefits don't include health care but instead offer an on-site weight room and complimentary NRA membership for male employees.

Our Sheets boasts their use of 100% American-grown cotton from plantations located in southern U.S. states owned by families "sharing similar religious values and political views." Since the company is privately owned, financial data is not published or available on FIA request.

Money recently started flowing from Our Sheets coffers into the "RDS for President PAC" and will be used to purchase airtime on Fox News and conservative talk radio stations in all 50 states. Their first print advertisement appeared in the Wall Street Journal last week focused on how much federal money was wasted on ineffective COVID vaccines and boosters which should have been spent on the wall between Mexico and the United States.

A caravan of 3 Our Sheets buses full of Venezuelan children is currently on the way to Washington, D.C. where they will be emptied in front of Vice President Kamala Harris' home. They are expected to arrive at 2 a.m. tomorrow morning and disposable flashlights, Bibles, and $5 Waffle House vouchers will be provided by Our Sheets LLC.

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