Almost Believable Pure Bullshit

"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!"

30 May 2023

Hvaldimir, a baluga whale, has been arrested for spying in Swedish territorial waters. The whale was allegedly caught in the act taking photographs of sensitive infrastructure and coastal installations.

Hvaldimir's harness led captors to conclude the equipment was of mostly Russian design and manufacture, but China may be implicated for supplying a camera and batteries. Clandestine training for spy whale missions has been a hallmark of Kremlin operators since the early days of the Cold War.

It is presently unknown exactly what, if any, intelligence may have been compromised or if it contained anything of significant benefit to the Russians.

OneWhale, an organization set up to protect the animal’s health and welfare, will represent Hvaldimir in court. A trial date has not yet been set.

In the meantime, Hvaldimir is enjoying Scandinavian herring by the bucketful. He is said to be in relatively good spirits and appetite given the circumstances of his solitary confinement and lack of aquatic companionship.

Previously, the whale tended to stay at farms where it was able to catch fish and graze on feed. As a result, "grand theft salmon" may be added to the charges once farm security camera evidence has been analyzed.

US Secretary of State Antony Blinken mentioned the possibility of trading Hvaldimir for a Ukrainian whale currently in Russian custody. This appears unlikely, however, since that animal has become a pet of President Vladimir Putin.

Children in nearby schools have offered compassion visits to cheer him up, but authorities said they may consider this only after consulting with the International Red Cross and OneWhale.

This is a developing story.

For updates visit:

Site by Instafax
© 2023 - D. Kirk