Almost Believable Pure Bullshit

"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!"

26 April 2023

Dallas/Fort Worth--Two United Airlines flights were forced back on the ground today after surviving bird strikes in the vicinity of the fourth busiest airport in the country.

With guns outnumbering Texans 12-to-1 the solution seemed obvious to airport officials: allow armed citizens onto the tarmac at the ends of all State runways. A cash bounty of $5 per bird killed will ensure ample participation in the new program. Adjusted baggage fees will cover all costs of the new program.

Accordingly to current Texas law, no permit, training, or background check is required though people with a hunting license will get first dibs on initially available slots. Others must participate in a bird kill lottery available at all gas stations in Texas.

At first, only shotguns will be allowed as they pose less of a threat to aircraft compared to birds. To protect the environment, only steel shot will be allowed in the future, but lead shot can be used through the rest of the current year.

Owners of AR-15 and similar assault rifles hope to be able to participate in the future if shotguns prove ineffective against the troublesome birds.

Texans are excited to help make the air safer for travel while at the same time putting dinner on the table. Governor Greg Abbott is calling it a win-win, as long as nobody shoots down a passenger jet.

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